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Talk:Hold Your Breath/@comment-17759525-20141228142450
So, IDK if this is even still going on, but hey, I’m gonna try. SPOILERS PROLOGUE I love how right from the beginning you have a question: “There was nothing wrong with mooning over a she-cat, right?” It just makes it sound like something terrible is going to happen later on. And, yes, that’s a good thing… XD They’re so cute together! omsc I love your little metaphor at the end there, and the coded words bring an interesting effect into the story. It’s almost like there’s someone else talking, or maybe Eagleflight speaking in retrospect? Either way, it just gives an interesting mood to the whole thing. Good job! One quick note – “…and for their kits, if they have them.” That almost sounds like the present tense (which, yeah, “if” is future, but still), whereas the story is in past tense. Maybe take a look at that? CHAPTER ONE Firesong sounds a lot like me – morning people (cats?) unite! I love the placid descriptions you give here as she just observes her surroundings, showing us as the readers where exactly she is. I do like how you just show the cats going about their normal lives; instead of trying to jump straight into some big, mysterious, violent plot, you kind of let the readers ease into whatever’s going to happen. Okay, so I can see the whole “My friend slapped me playfully” thing, but maybe you should add “with her tail” or something like that? I can just imagine some little kid reading this and going “CATS DON’T HAVE HANDS.” But maybe that’s just me. Firesong’s sister, Amberheart, seems like she might be an interesting character. Again, you have good descriptions, and this story is coming along nicely so far. “…a new way two look at new things…” Hey, are you me, or did you actually mean “to”? CHAPTER TWO (here’s the real use of ”two”.) Y’know, I like how it seems that Eagleflight is the main character in the prologue, but then Firesong is the main character for the rest of the story. I don’t know, I just like that. I like how the mood kind of starts to change here as they find the trespasser. Her potential secret is intriguing, as is her talk about war. Something’s going to happen; I just know it. The start to the second section in this chapter is a really good opening. “There were terrified yowls when I woke up.” That shows that there’s actual fighting going on, and that this isn’t just some happy, peaceful Clan like the prologue and first chapter seem to imply. Oh, no – Eagleflight! Is he dead?? This is definitely an interesting switch here. It’s something a reader wouldn’t expect within the first few chapters of a book. I guess now I know why Firesong is the main character. CHAPTER THREE The calm and then the sudden fighting is good. I love how quickly it escalates and then calms back down. Now, this one has a completely different mood to its opening line. Everything’s peaceful and calm again; this story is switching back and forth rapidly between calm and fighting, which is definitely interesting. HE’S ALIVE! So they were both worried about each other dying. Huh. Like Romeo and Juliet, only no one’s actually died yet. Amberheart’s observation is definitely timed badly! (But that's a good thing.) I love how she’s stirring things up for the main characters from behind the scenes. She seems kind of wise, and “maybe your love isn’t real” is an interesting thing to say to a frazzled sister. CHAPTER FOUR More later C: